Dancing with the darkness of winter.
Nature looks dead in winter because her life is gathered into her heart. She withers the plant to the root so she may grow it up again fairer and stronger.
Today I caught myself - telling myself- "I'm just feeling a bit off". As an observer of this conversation, I didn't judge, I just listened with open curiosity. I do know the past few weeks have been very sloth like for me. I just seem to be moving a little more.... slowly. 2015 was a BIG year for me. Just today I was looking through my calendar marvelling at all I had done, built, achieved, lost, surrendered, learned since this month last year. It blew my mind. It also reminded me that It has almost been a year that I quit my day job as a dental nurse and went into teaching yoga full time. What tremendous energy I put into last year and I really am proud of all I have achieved, once I actually take time to contemplate it all. You would think that all this personal success would have me buzzing and motivating me to build more - set higher goals this year- to be ready to take 2016 by it's horns and shout --Raaaaahhh! I CAN do this - look! I did it before, and I'm stronger, braver, smarter this time! Here me roar! But it's not like that. In fact, it's probably the opposite. Instead of a ferocious roar, it's more like a fierce yawn. Instead of grabbing the bull by the horns, I am grabbing my blanket to tuck myself in for a nap. So I asked, what's happening here? Am I depressed? No you're not depressed, Amy. Am I going through "stuff"? Nope, don't think so. Am I sick? Nope, not that either. So what is this thing that's happening? This strong lack of motivation to jump back to work, even though I so deeply love what I do. This disinterest in engaging with the world, and the want to disconnect from things like social media. This want to just BE.. to switch off and tune out. Where is my passion, my drive. What is WRONG with me???? Then today I came across this quote in an email from Laura Cornell.. Nature looks dead in winter because her life is gathered into her heart. She withers the plant down to the root so that she may grow it up again fairer and stronger. She calls her family together within her inmost home to prepare them for being scattered abroad upon the face of the earth. ~Hugh Macmillan, "Rejuvenescence,"The Ministry of Nature, 1871 Oh how it resonates. The first two sentences feel as if they were written from my soul. There is nothing wrong with me at all! Infact, it is most probably because I have done so much deep work this year on my journey, that I am more in-tune with nature than ever. I am now dancing with the rhythms and cycles of nature more masterfully and in the dance - I have become so entranced, I forgot I was dancing. There is nothing wrong with me at all. I am just returning back to centre - gathering into my heart so that when the time is right I can grow fairer and stronger. Duh! I am always talking about listening to the wisdom of nature and the seasons. In winter, the energy is drawing in - so go within I would say... There is a privacy about it which no other season gives you.... In spring, summer and fall people sort of have an open season on each other; only in the winter, in the country, can you have longer, quiet stretches when you can savour belonging to yourself. ~Ruth Stout So naturally, I went within, but it seemed like everyone around me had not. I started to feel like I was the odd one out -like I didn't love my work enough because I was not always working -like I must be sad because I was not so outwardly joyous- that being quite and still meant melancholy. But the light has been relit, and I now more clearly see. I am just dancing with winter. I am just being me. In seed-time learn, in harvest teach, in winter enjoy. ~William Blake